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Okay, so hopefully Dr. Sys or DcD (if he is here still) will be able to answer this.
So I worked kind of hard all over again, and I met another adorable little Asian female (this takes me a while, because this is all that I am interested in really/these are the kind of girls I like). So I just had this semester from hell in school; did a class with a 40% failure rate, and this girl that I’m referring to seemed to be the only other person besides myself that took the class really seriously (attending office hours with the professor every time available, etc). After a session one day, we were leaving at the same time and I started up a conversation with her since she said she is learning Japanese (I studied Japanese on my own for a while). She seemed a little startled/caught off guard when I just started talking to her out of the blue like that as we were leaving. I got starstruck (I admit), because she’s just so damn cute. I wasn’t ready for the interaction to go on like it did (I was actually in a hurry to get somewhere, but she kept talking to me. I was caught off guard by this, and so I ran out of things to say and so forth).
The rest was a blur. The way I remember it, she just ended up walking away. I said “Okay, see you later” and left myself.
I continued attending office hours, and of course she did too. After another of the office hours sessions (I think it was the next session), she was leaving and I was a bit behind her, she opened the door to go down the stairs and she kind of glanced behind her; I got nervous because it seemed like she maybe thought I was following her and I of course didn’t want that.
Over the next week or so, I began to slowly pull back, gradually to a great degree. I would see her in the tutoring lab as well, but I was just unavailable (it seemed like she wanted to talk to me, but I couldn’t tell). Every time I was around that part of the campus, I would see her out of the corner of my eye, seemed like she was reluctant (nervous) to approach. I wasn’t really sure.
One day I was in the tutoring lab, and she showed up in the doorway, Looked over and saw me sitting at the table, then seemed a little reluctant but she came over and sat at the table right across from me. (Keep in mind, during this time, some of the girl tutors in the lab we’re having pretty nice conversation with me as well, and I like to think that that opened this girl’s eyes to the fact that it’s not all about her– that I talked to everyone, and I wasn’t just trying to hit on her/pick up on her that first time).
Then to “clear the air” (Flush out what was really going on here), I waited till the second to last day I saw her; she was coming in the front door of the building as I was coming out. I glanced over at her and delivered my favorite line, “are you following me? Stop being so creepy!” (My experience with this has been that this line just destroys girls- they have no idea how to respond).
Two days later she sat right behind me in class like she always did. I waited till the end of class, then turned right around to her and said “you seem cool, I think we should exchange numbers”. She said “yeah, yeah”. I told her if she puts her phone number in my phone, I would send her a text. She took the time to put her entire first and last name in my phone, along with her number. She started to make her way over to talk to the professor, and I hit save in my phone. Then decided to call her phone instead.
Her phone started ringing, then she turned around to look at me. I said “that’s me” nodding to confirm. She responded with “okay”, but she did it in such a way, it was as if she was saying “duhr! What the hell are you doing? You told me you would SEND ME A TEXT”– she was making a face like this when she said “okay”).
I was left feeling like I really farked this up, I was careful not to show it though. Waited 2 days, then texted her,
Me: “Hey its Justin from math class”
“are you going to be in SD during summer?”
Her [4 hours later]: “hii”
“I’m actually heading home during break”
Me [3 hours 20 min later]: “Okay”
“Are you leaving after this week?”
Her [17 hours later]: yea im heading home this weekend 🙂↕️Me [5 hours 10 min later]: “Okay”
“Do you know if there’s a good place on campus to get[bagel emoji] blueberry bagels?” >>((I heard her mention to someone a few weeks ago that blueberry bagels are her favorite thing))<<
Her [16 hours later]:: “i don’t know if they’re good but sixth coffee house shld have them.”Me [24 hours later]: “Kk thank you”
And so that is the end. She is from Taiwan, and so I was deflated to find out that she is going to be going back there for the four month summer break.
Please share your thoughts. Also, does it even make sense to try to pursue this via text/ call during the four month break? My instinct is saying no; Mainly because I don’t feel like we established enough of a connection.
My assessment of the calling rather than texting thing suggests that she is thinking “are you calling my phone to make sure I gave you a real number? Are you thus implying that you don’t deserve to be given a real number?/that this implies neediness, to check up on and make sure I was given a real number. I feel like this lowered her interest in me right off the bat. Or when she “freaked out”, it was a test to see if I would react emotionally by trying to be conciliatory in parentheses “what’s wrong?”, etc)
When I sent the “blueberry bagel” text, based on her answer, my next test was going to be “I think we should do that [get blueberry bagels] sometime before you leave” but I kind of pussed out/wasn’t feeling it (Plus if you notice, it seemed like she was purposely waiting to respond to my text messages, so that I couldn’t set anything like this up before she left).
This really pisses me off though, because this girl is Cute As Hell!Are you ever going to get this right? I dunno, I can’t see the future nor can I determine how much self control, discipline and awareness you may have going forward.
So let’s jump in. First off, stop trying to defend why your interest is solely in “Asian” type women. Everyone has preferences and its your life, so you are allowed the choice. Yes, eliminating other types of women means you loses opportunities you could have had – but that’s common sense and you can choose to accept that or adapt, up to you. No judgement either way from me.
Now more specific to this situation, you know you made some mistakes. Question is, do you know WHY you made those mistakes? You should – and its referenced at the start of this reply. You are not in control of yourself – because you see her as “so damn cute” and she is your prize that you seem to want to win. Even your question of what do to over the break shows it – does it even make sense to try to pursue– and the answer is no, not currently. Once you have your head on straight, then possibly it can be fine to open the door – but NOT to “pursue”.
Has TSM or have I ever encouraged a guy to “chase”?
If your chasing, by definition she is “running away”.
Whether or not she is interested is not the critical question. It may feel (and often does) like its the most important question, but it is a question that YOU can insure is answered the way you want. by staying in control and showing your value in that process. That doesn’t mean you show disinterest, but it means you show her those things that a woman wants – and has to EARN.
Does the call make “sense” – as far as the “what”, yes – but the “why” is the problem. You told her one thing and DID something different. A woman wants a man she can rely on, depend on and trust. Did your choice of action show that is you for her?
Ultimately, whether she was chasing you or not, it is clear she isn’t now. That doesn’t mean you should chase. Rather it means one text, about halfway through the “break” while she is away is something you can use to remind her that she has something to return to soon. Don’t promise anything, let her mind and imagination work for you. Dont get into a conversation, a quick and short message and a follow up reply is she responds quickly and provides an opening – but you have value and a life so your focus should not be on “her”…..
Hwy Justin K
I had read your OP and it’s totally cringe worthy. I like Dr Sys’ replies and the “feel” he’s giving you some direction and to a great calming centered effect.I see a lot of mistakes that were made from being nervous and you can learn to relax because no real damage was done, and I’ll point out the 800 Lb gorilla in that your timing is all off. Put yourself in her shoes such as when you turned to her in class when she sat behind you.
It’s random and I’m guessing you’re thinking of triggering her somehow so she’s automagically going to take you down?? That’s not leading or even flirting or fun- not for you and not for her.
I’m learning myself and what’s helped me is just not giving a thought towards sex. Just eliminate it! It’s not the idea of that you are pretending it’s the decision and so you can focus on your study and your life because she and probably others will pick up on your vibe which is distracting, and they are there to learn too.
Not focusing on winning her sets you free and you can be a man who has a mission and when the time is right you can create space and time for you.
You can get yourself into a lot of trouble at this place if you just keep up with what you’re doing by making people feel uncomfortable and so just be more grounded and focus on you and learning a plan and a flow and in timing when it presents itself.
Like I said I’m learning too myself and what helps is staying grounded and not fixated on expectations where there is no path to it.
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